Alone
by Elizabeth Theresa
Summary: Lilly has pushed people away for as long as she can remember. Now two people are trying to break down her walls. Will she let them or will she let her past overwhelm her?
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Lilly's not mine. If she was she wouldn't have been allowed to leave the show. The rest isn't mine either.

A/N:This takes place right after the episode with the elevator, though I changed that a little. I'm planning to continue this, so if you have ideas for future chapters or a better title let me know! Enjoy!

Chapter 1, Alone

Lilly Reddecar sat curled in an armchair in front of her empty fireplace. Her knees were drawn up beneath her and she was rapped in a home made quilt, a gift for her graduation from med school from her Grandmother. It had been her only graduation gift, her parents had not been happy that she had decided to take a position at St. Mike's. They didn't think that it was a good enough hospital for their well bred daughter and her expensive education, and they had decided to make their position clear by ignoring their only daughter's graduation entirely. Even now, almost ten years later, that stung. And after that night, the night that she couldn't bear to think of and couldn't help thinking about, they had completely disowned her, almost as if she had never existed. She had heard rumors that they had taken any pictures that contained her off of the walls and out of any publicly viewed albums. She couldn't say she blamed them, they didn't deserve a daughter like her. They deserved better. So did he.

That thought brought her back to the topic that had led her to actually cry for the first time in several years. She knew he thought she was crazy, she probably was. Only a crazy person would push Kyle McCarty away in an elevator then sit in the corner of said elevator, arms around her knees, and cry. He had witnessed the whole thing, much to her embarrassment, but he had not laughed. On the contrary, he had actually tried to comfort her, which made it all the worse for Lilly.

She had spent the majority of her career pushing people away, and she had done a decent job of it. She had refused everyone's attempts at friendship, though one of this year's residents had refused to give up, and kept up the appearance of not caring when her staff got together without inviting her. She had earned herself the nickname "Suma", stick up my ass, and she had forced herself not to appear to care.

But then there were those who seemed to see through that facade. Teresa Welch, the newest resident to St. Mike's, had stopped asking Lilly if she wanted to get dinner, but she always managed to sit with Lilly in the break room or cafeteria. Lilly wasn't sure whether she was grateful to the young woman or whether she wanted to kill her for making her facade so much harder to keep up. She supposed they could have been friends, Teresa never seemed to join the others in their childish games, but Lilly didn't have friends, period.

And then their was Kyle McCarty. Lilly had known from the moment he walked through the doors for his interview that he was going to be a problem. She had felt something for him that she had not allowed herself to feel for a long time, and that had scared her, but she couldn't allow her personal feelings to get in the way. St. Mike's was desperately understaffed and Kyle seemed like he knew what he was doing despite his attitude. And as she had told him, his name and schooling would look good on the brochures. So she had hired him and, at least on a professional level, she had never been sorry. He had proved to be not only competent and resourceful, he truly seemed to care about the people who came through the doors of that rundown hospital. He certainly wasn't like his mother, or what little she had seen of her in any case. The problem was that whatever feelings Lilly had had for Kyle in the beginning had not gone away with time. Quite the contrary, they had grown to the point that she had nearly kissed Kyle the night of the ballet. And then their was today in the elevator. Lilly could not afford for anything like that to happen, she could not afford for anyone to break through her walls. So she had pushed him away. And now here she was in her empty apartment, alone as always. And as she thought that Lilly began to cry for the second time that day.

A/N:Thank you to the 2 people who reviewed "To Call Her by Name". Any comments are appreciated, though I'd appreciate more reviews. If you hate it let me know and let me know what I can do to make it better, please! Of course I eat up praise, too, just let me know! If someone would like to beta this story I'd appreciate it! My email is in my profile.


	2. The Right Thing

Disclaimer: I don't own Judging Amy, comprende?

A/N: I would like to thank everyone who reviewed the first chapter of this story. Unfortunately there's no one to thank. So, thank you to the 70 people who at least clicked on this story. Any chance any of you could review this chapter?

In any case, enjoy.

The Right Thing

Kyle McCarty pushed the door to the break room open with enough force to bang it against the wall and leave a dent in the plaster. Somewhere in the back of his mind he thought that Lilly would be angry about the damaged wall but his brain was too full to give that thought much priority. He was angry, no question about it, but for once it was not directed at his boss. Kyle groaned at his own stupidity as he dropped onto one of the couches that had probably been new sometime in the 1960's. He knew that she was unlikely to except that kind of come on, yet he had tried it anyway. And she had not only pushed him away, she had cried. He wondered if Lilly Reddecar had ever cried in front of another person, at least after the age of 10.

It wasn't as if he didn't know Lilly, probably better than almost anyone in the hospital. He had watched her and taken note of the subtle things that most people, especially most men, wouldn't have given a second glance to. He knew that her favorite flavored coffee could only be bought at Full of Beans, that said flavor of coffee was cinnamon apple, that she only got that particular coffee on days when she looked as though she hadn't slept much. He had taken note of the look in her eyes when she pointed out other people's flaws, as though she was mentally counting her own imperfections on an ever-growing list. And he had heard her muttered "stupid" or "pathetic doctor" which were obviously directed, not at the other nurses or interns assisting her, but at herself. Every time she couldn't help a patient what little light was left in Lilly's eyes dimmed a little more. And since the night of the ballet, the night that young woman died, the light had all but disappeared.

He had tried to be her friend, at first. But he quickly discovered that befriending the chief of staff was not only impossible it was uncool. He had always been one to follow the crowd.

His mind wandered back to the party that he and Heather had thrown for all of St. Mike's staff. They had distributed invitations, whether they were oral or written, and it had been fairly clear that it was by invite only. They had not invited Lilly. Heather said she wouldn't have gone anyway and Kyle let himself believe that. But he had seen the look in the chief of staff's eyes as she stood on one side of the hallway while Kyle and Heather talked avidly to every other staff member who passed about the party they were throwing. And later as she stood in the doorway of the apartment while people looked around and through her and muttered about "Suma" having actually put in an appearance. He had seen an amplified version of that look. It was the look of someone who almost wanted to join the party but either couldn't remember how or wouldn't allow herself to have fun. He had wondered which one it was for a long time, privately. He had tried talking to Heather about it once, but she had said it wasn't their problem.

He had given up trying to have serious conversations with Heather by now. She no longer seemed to be capable of caring about anyone but herself, or maybe she had been that way all along. Kyle had certainly done a lot of growing up over the past six months, maybe his taste in women had simply changed along with the rest of his outlook on life. No, Amy would tell him that he was too smart to believe all of his crap. He had never been on the level of Heather, he had never really loved her, she had been easy. She had made him feel smart, feel that he was good enough without trying, because she didn't try at all. He had settled and he knew it.

With a sudden purpose Kyle got up, got his things from his locker, then got in his car and headed to Heather's bar. He had spoken the truth when he said that he wanted Lilly, and he knew if he was ever going to have half a chance with her he would have to earn it. He would have to make himself believe that he was good enough for her before he could convince Lilly that she was more than good enough for him. Talking to Heather, breaking things off with, "That terribly thin dark haired girl," was the first step in that direction.

A/N2: Review, please!


	3. Fighting the Current

Disclaimer: I'm sorry to say that I still don't own them.

A/N: Thanks to everyone for the reviews. Sorry this has taken so long to update. I know where I'm taking it in the long run, but just how to get there I haven't yet figured out. If you would like to be my beta or my "wall", help me bounce ideas around, let me know.

Fight the Current

She was drowning, being pulled under by the current of his strength and her own helplessness. She tried to cry out, to fight, to do something to save herself, but his hands expertly held her and pushed her further under the water. "Wherever you go, there I'll be," he hissed. His hands worked a binding around her, wrapping her like an ancient Egyptian mummy. "I'm always watching you, you can't hide from me Lilly Jane Reddecar." She couldn't answer, her face was covered in water.

She sat bolt upright in bed, mouth open as if to scream, cheeks wet with tears, body tightly wrapped in a tangle of sheets. She was breathing hard as though she had just run a long distance, and as she unwrapped herself she wondered why she had dreamt about it that night. Then she remembered Kyle's hands on her shoulders, his mouth gentle on hers, and she understood. She glanced at her alarm clock and realized it was just after 3:00 in the morning. She also knew she wouldn't be getting any more sleep that night, so she rose and pulled clothes out of the dresser drawers. If she wasn't going to be well rested she may as well let someone else catch some well-deserved sleep.

When she pulled into the St. Mike's parking lot she was struck by how deserted it was. There were very few cars parked outside the emergency doors, even fewer at the main entrance. When she stepped out of her car she was struck by the quiet. The only sound was the wind blowing the "St. Michael's Hospital" sign against it's post. She hated this kind of silence, she always had a radio on in her house when she was home alone, which was almost always. It had been this quiet the night… At that thought Lilly shivered and hurried inside the building.

The first person she saw was the usual night receptionist. The second person she saw was Kyle. He was meandering down the hallway toward the front desk, and when he saw her he stopped dead and stared. "Good evening, Dr. McCardy," she said coolly.

"Lilly, I didn't think you were working tonight," he said seeming flustered.

"I wasn't, but I decided to come in and let someone else get some sleep. Looks like it's your lucky day, make sure to sign off the time clock before you leave." She turned and hurried toward the locker room.

"But I'm on for a 24 hour shift!" he called after her.

"Consider it an early Christmas present," she called over her shoulder.

"Its August!"

"Damn it Kyle, go home!" She was stunned, not only by the coldness in her voice, but by a gentle hand resting on her shoulder.

"Lilly…" His voice was quiet so that no one else would hear. "Is something wrong?"

"How did you catch up to me?" she asked to avoid the question.

"I have longer legs," he said with a gentle smile. Then he repeated, "What's going on with you?"

"Nothing," she said briskly. She did not, however, pull away from his touch. She was surprised to realize that it felt good to have someone touch her, to have someone worry about her well being. It had been a long time since she had that, since she had allowed herself to have that.

"Is this about, what happened this afternoon? Because I'm sorry…"

"In case you hadn't realized, the whole world doesn't revolve around you!" She yanked away from him and started back down the hall. "Go home Dr. McCardy, and I don't want to hear another word about it." She opened the door to the locker room, slipped inside, and shut the door without a sound.

A/N2: Review please!


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